The Dry Heave
The confounding thing is that there are so many conflicting desires and distractions to dissuade me in my quest for God. Mostly, I can barely even call it a "quest" because I can be so radically aloof in regards to a requisite Kingdom-mindedness. Dryness, emptiness, weariness, unworthiness may flood in and push us away from discipline and ultimately from community. But I don't think they are the enemies:

It will happen again and again that the person who is charged with
offering the prayer for the fellowship will not feel at all in the spiritual mood to do so, and will much prefer to turn over his task to another for this day. Such a shift is not advisable, however. Otherwise, the prayer of the fellowship will too easily be governed by moods which have nothing to do with spiritual life. It is precisely when a person,who is borne down by inner emptiness and weariness or a sense of personal unworthiness, feels that he would like to withdraw from his task, that he should learn what it means to have a duty to perforn in the fellowship, and the
brethren should support him in his weakness, in his inability to pray. Perhaps it is right here that one will realize the profound truth in Paul's words: "We know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." (Rom. 8:26).
Dietrich Bonhoeffer, LIFE TOGETHER, p. 64-65.

At least they don't have to be.

ReTREAT

I am back in O-Town after a refreshing weekend at the Convent for a mini-retreat. It certainly was all I could have hoped for. No agenda but to relax, focus on God and engage in some scintillating conversation with the crew down there. The place just oozes hospitality. I mean, what a phenomenal set-up. There can be no doubt that God is all over the situation there in Norwood.

Some realizations:

• I hadn't realized how much I had "flipped" this past year in response to the loss of Chad and Palmer and watching my friends and colleagues stagger and grieve. I confronted my own mortality and misplaced my trust and looked for validity in other people when I should have sought sustenance from God. I had to repent of that.
• "Shimmering" Verses: Psalm 51:17 "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise." I don't even know sacrifice yet. My Christianity has been relatively "easy" and safe thus far.
• God, the Sneak: Something's creeping in on me from behind....from the horizon....from around the bend.....the sneaky feeling that God delights in me, despite my being prone to great treachery as a Kingdom vagabond and often traitor. Fleeting moments emerge, promising the hope of transformation and stepping into something greater. I sensed this driving down in the fog, rain and dusk, and, although the surroundings were appropriate to where I've been the last bit in my life, that stab of joy seemed simultaneously mine and yet not mine.
• Dave Nixon, the Omeletteer: When Dave says, "I'll get up and make everyone some omelletes..." one does well to fashion one's schedule around that.
• Dave Nixon, the Squirrelinator: Beset with this rhodentious invader, I would learn of it when Jody came down after breakfast in a hustle, crying out: "I saw it....it's running around." Heidi tells me the "it" is a hapless squirrell on its last legs that was trapped in the building for the last five days after having finally chewed its way through the wall. Well the beast would not extricate itself and Dave made haste to the third floor. Soon after, I made my way out the door and no sooner had I closed it when I hear a "THUD" and, turning, I beheld a deceased squirrell bouncing off the ground about 15 feet in front of me. I knew instantly. That had to have been one of the most awesome things I've witnessed in a while.
• What I Need More Of: A deeper, more sustaining hunger and thirst for God. A truly Spirit-empowered life, inwardly and outwardly.
• Pray without ceasing: Still as haunting as it is inviting.
• I like the ways God just lets me know that he's glad I'm here.
• I was greatly heartened by the time the Dave gave to me and Matt Saturday night at the Speckled Bird. He didn't have to, but he made time. And thanks to Jody for that time as well.
• A few days is not enough for a real retreat. I was indeed just starting to unwind.

So now, the tests of routine, complacency and contemptuous familiarity come to try me. Thanks be to God, it "smells" a bit different this time.

Trying Not To Resist The Irresistable Revolution

Some of you may have already read it, but I am working through Shane Claiborne's The Irresistable Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, thanks to Beanerosity of the Beanius.

A pretty compelling story, especially from a fellow Tennessee boy....who's done quite well I might add (for a Tennessee boy).

Chew on this for a minute:

.....we have seen the beauty of diverse vocations and the multidimensionality of Christian discipleship. One of the best things communities like ours do is carve out a space for people to discern and redefine our vocations.
(p. 138)

In our context, with young adults struggling with what it means to marry authentic Kindgom living and issues of vocation, I find it evermore imperative to be such a community as well. It hasn't struck my heart with as much fervor as it has done so this weekend as a result of Thinspace. I don't know that we're doing this faithfully enough; we have some really struggling with losing themselves in their vocational ideations/pursuits that Kingdom vitality is being snuffed out right before my eyes. Sometimes I feel powerless to even speak into/against the current of that kind of worldview, especially when it is from those you love and who've previously desired greater things.

I long to know what I need to do to be able to carve out that approachable space for people to discern and redefine their vocations in light of the Kingdom of God. I do know you cannot prematurely impose your Kingdom-mindedness nor your vocational worldview. But there is risk when you spout out things that you think were inspired; you AND your words can ultimately be rejected.

Then again, there is also the risk that someone might be listening in the Spirit.

I did mention Thinspace in my last post. Shortly, I shall delve a bit deeper into some of the particulars of our experience this weekend as things shake out. I've discovered over a Chinese buffet dinner last night some interesting things God is doing in both mine and Cathy's lives...God nurturing, confirming, directing. I think we'll incubate it a short while (some part I've already shared with my Veritasian community) till we can speak of it with more clarity and grounding.

Bizziness abounds....posting suffers.

AHEAD:

• Prepping for my weekend retreat at the Convent this weekend. Got the support of my community and that is exceptional. Looking forward to it mostly. But I am really quite rusty at this.
• Probably traveling somewhere on the last leg of my lay church planting task force with NAMB, which will be in mid April. And by somewhere, I mean either Salt Lake City or.....somewhere else in the US. Our task force facilitator is going to be sending me perhaps to another location to facilitate a gathering along with some others in the group at additional locations.
• Camping with some buds at the end of April. Requisite time for sure.
• Veritas retreat. More later.

Thinspace was definitely a needed time for me, Veritas (yeah even those who didn't go will be affected) and our network of people we run with. Our breakout session went well and we were greatly impacted by the speakers, the worship and the people overall. I hate I missed the usual subsequent hang-out time with my friends at the B-house....many of whom I see only occasionally or once a year.

My shout-out to Cmarsh who composed us all into a workable whole. It wasn't an easy task and I am grateful he is my friend.

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO JUST GET BY...

By now, everyone must have heard about the devastation in Enterprise, Alabama, and other surrounding areas on the March 1, 2007 tornado outbreak. 8 people were killed inside the high school as the tornado-- rated EF 3 on the Enhanced Fujita Scale-- ripped through.

I scouted out this video of some roommates emerging from their home near Ft. Rucker...



What seemed to be the random and fickle nature of a tornado (why the videographer's house was spared and his neighbor's twenty feet away wasn't) is due to a complex set of conditions inside the tornado circulation. Some of the pictures and videos I've seen of the Enterprise tornado seem to show a multiple vortex funnel, where smaller, more intense suction vortices form, circulate around the main center and dissipate. These account for why a house will be destroyed and why the one next to it won't.

You know how long it's been since I took an intentional, spiritual retreat for myself? You know....the kind of one where I just focus and listen to God and see where I fit in?

You know how long I've been talking about doing this?

Come March 23rd-25th, I will head down to the Convent at Vineyard Central for such a time. The space down there has some deeply resonating Kingdom connections for me here on this earth. It has been there and around the relationships formed there that God physically came through on his promise that I/we are not alone in this journey. And to realize that was all coalescing almost five years ago is astounding. The Nixon's, the Rains's and others in a collective testimony to God's radical faithfulness and perseverence adds up to an altogether safe place to retreat back toward God. And that is what I need.

The deal is this.....I need a new-found brokenness of heart, mind, passion and spirit. I need to recapture a simple center again. I need to discover the heart of God in my context and others who'll step forward to see me to that end. I have baggage to drop by the wayside too...stuff that doesn't belong to me.

Whatever is off kilter is because of me. I'm to blame. I accept that. But now I have nowhere to hide...I've brought others in on it. I've committed myself to this weekend and to others. This deal is set. To be sure, I'm not really looking forward to it. On the one hand I am eager and I know it is the "right" thing for me to do. In truth, I will to go to this place. The intrepidation I have I think comes from what God might require of me, namely, the sectors and spaces I have taken away from God back for myself.

Also, I am as unnerved of the possibility of nothing happening as much as I am of something happening. But that is beyond me. Nothing can mean something too.

I apologize if any (who remain with this blog) have looked here for something of more pertinent worth in the last bit. It has been rather flat lately, here in the blog and in certain places in the heart too.

AND, if you're so inclined, prayerfully infuse me with any insights or observations as I near this time, because, ultimately, this HAS to become more than just being about me. What should I do to prepare? How should I spend my time? What books should I take? How should I journal? How should I pray? How should I listen?

Blessings to you.

I'm looking at my hands right now. There are wrinkly places where there didn't used to be. I gazed at the bends of my inner elbows and the skin is wrinkly there too. Certain hair folicles have lost their ability to retain pigment as they used to. Shucks...certain hair folicles have seen a cessation of existence. Productive ones that is.

I just tried growing out my hair for about the last two months. Let me tell you....that was a stinking exercise in futility. I had a receding hairline since it all started back in college. I thought I was set and was just going to have to deal with it as that. Now the receding areas not only are meeting from left to right and vice-versa, but the emerging hair island on front and center sports a newly balding streak in and of itself. So I thought I'd dye it, as in the olden days. It turned orange. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Bald is beautiful again.

I am trying to rectify my own bodily changes with those around me, with my own sense of my place in the Kingdom work. I am trying to figure if I am just a wrinkle in the face of its ever-present, ever-breaking newness. I fear those with whom I have invested myself in deeply see my spiritual wrinkles, tire/bore of them and long for thicker, more vibrant colors. In such were vestiges of promise; times now bear a different, stranger fruit, promising neither certainty nor total abdication....I change; people change. Am I still wanted? Does God still want me? Do I still want myself?

And yet, I want to go for it all. I want to lay aside encumbrances and thrust into a faith unknown. But I won't go it alone. Things got scary a year ago when it became clear that this kind of life in the Kingdom ACTUALLY COSTS US OUR LIVES! I shared that vulnerability with people I love and I think I shooed some away. Maybe I layed too much on the line. Maybe I opened up too widely and prematurely projected expectations belonging only to myself and no one else. That's kind of why I feel like the chubby kid in dodgeball who gets pelted first and stands alone in the "out" line.

You can't manipulate people to journey with you. Neither can you settle for tag-a-longism to count for diligent Kingdom work, the kind you can share with a confidante and the kind who will enter into the deep and the mystery. And hanging on the wispy triumphs of yesterday will sink you as well.

It's amazing how the cares of the old world and spectres of the defunct easily trail us all off the path. How cruel it is that we can't ascend the lofty ideations we held in faith when the things of God were new while the devils sit victoriously reticent. And from those shadows bellow even greater temptations to further cement what we said we'd never become.

I possess a certain indigence of spirit at present that neither inspires nor witholds. It's not an achievement and there are no worthy holdings here. These words probably ring quite an advertisement for self-aggrandizement, but they help to shape the hollows and core out the marrow.

It's a threshold for sure...for life, for self, for church, for community and for all ideations about them. I just feel more alone sometimes now than ever before. And some who gave all before now float in a boat of whimsy where I may be concerned.

I am back from North Dakota and the trip was quite fruitful. I ate my first buffalo burger with some initial intrepidation, but was pleasantly surprised. It tasted like a really good lean cheeseburger. The Bismarckians were also intent upon setting the world's record for the largest snow angel on the day I arrived. We drove by the capitol building to see the fun.

The convention folk were quite hospitable and engaged with what I had to share, which was very encouraging. They are good, solid people with a heart to see God reach people there. The people and the possibilities for the Kingdom of God there more than warrant my prayer for them.

ON THE ROAD AGAIN...
I'll hop on a plane again Saturday at 7am, flit to Minny-Apple-Iss and jostle over to Bismarck, North Dakota to speak at a new church plant and make a presentation with some other planters at the Dakotas Baptist Convention. It's going to be really sweet.

Think of me, if you will, as I'll be in the air again.

SOME MORE SNOWSLEETFREEZINGRAINRAIN

ALL IN ALL...THIS STORM IS GOING TO CREATE SIGNIFICANT PROBLEMSACRS THE FCST AREA. ANY SHIFT IN TRACK EVEN OVER A SHORT DISTANCEWILL LIKELY IMPACT PCPN TYPE AND DURATION AND RESULTANT SNOW/ICEACCUMS IN ANY ONE LOCATION ACRS FCST AREA. AND AS MENTIONEDABV...DO EXPECT SIGNIFICANT SNOW AND ICE ACCUMS. THIS SURE LOOKSLIKE A STORM THAT WE MAY END UP COMPARING WITH PRE XMAS STORM IN2004 AND THE VALENTINES WEEKEND STORM IN 2003.

That's the 438 PM EST SUN FEB 11 2007 Forecast Discussion out of the the Wilmington National Weather Service office. Here's the graphical cut of the latest watches/warnings:

















Most people really don't appreciate the incredible difficulty in assessing and forecasting a winter storm. There are literally millions of parameters and myriads of scenarios that could happen that affect whether or not someone sees one kind of precipitation. Moisture fetch, air flow patterns, snow-to-liquid ratios, thermal profiles, isentropic lift and many other issues play into the prognostication.

Most people rely upon popular media outlets for their weather information at some point. Often, the information that comes from there is colored by the pressure to secure ratings. Add to that the anomaly of human perception and attention to the details of forecast products.....many of which are embellished by hearsay and pessimistic attitudes that detract from rapidly changing forecasts and conditions. By the time the event is underway, the expectations of some as to what should be occurring might be based on false perceptions and old forecasts. That's a big reason why weather forecasting gets such a bum rap. If you really want to know what's going on, log onto your local NWS forecasting office and read the forecast discussions. These offices are not competing for viewer ratings and are not prone to drama. And they do admit when they make mistakes.

All in all, the comparison to this upcoming storm is to the pre-Xmas 2004 storm and the Valentines Day weekend storm of 2003. That particular wording in a forecast discussion is significant, given the typical, laconic style of forecast discussion texts.

WITH KILN RADAR INDCG IMPRESSIVE RETURNS 30+ DBZ ACRS
SWOHIO AND EXTENDING NW BACK INTO CNTRL
INDIANA...EXPECT HVY SNOWWILL CONTINUE FOR NEXT SVRL HOURS.

QUICK LOOK AT CROSS SECTIONS ALSO INDCG THATBEST LIFT COINCIDES WITH MAX DENDRITIC GROWTH ZONE OVER NEXT 3-5HOURS. THIS SHOULD ENABLE A CONTINUATION OF HVY SNOW WITH 1-2 INCHPER HOUR SNOWFALL RATE WITH SNOW TO LIQUID RATIOS AT 15/20-1 INTHESE AREAS INTO THE EVNG.

And with that excerpt from the 4:16 p.m. forecast discussion out of the National Weather Service office in Wilmington, I believe a man could sleep rather well, if not conquer many of the world's problems.

Officially at Dana Drive in Oxford, we registered 6.5 inches. If'n ya don't believe me, this pic will get all up in yer bizness. Because my camera stinketh, I'll have to tell you that the ruler is 8 inches long.

Now that's what I'm talking about. As of 1:55 a.m., EST, we are under a Heavy Snow Warning with a potential of 3-5 inches through early Wednesday. Just about freekin' time.

Of course, since I am wanting it, it won't happen (I am currently working on a personal theodicy of weather). It is a balmy 0 degrees here in O-town, with a heat index of....well.....0. Just thought you'd want to know. You just didn't know you wanted to know.

Back from DFW from a fruitful summit. I am learning much from some people/churches about what it means to be missional. Whatever the term "missional" means to whoever, granted, it's an easier thing to talk about than to do. Folks like Mission Arlington are doing it. And they are doing phenomenal things while keeping it simple.

I guess we be getting ready for The Feast of Saint Patty-boy in March. Should be pretty swell.

Tomorrow, I'm off to Dallas for the second leg of NAMB's Lay Planting Summit. This experience with these leaders from around the country has been highly edifying for me in ways I've not imagined. Looking forward to being there, but that means I'll have to fly again. Sigh.

Great. The whole freakin' state of Ohio is under a flash flood watch.

I love winter.

Riding down the greasy slide toward the end of Christmas break. Haven't caved yet, but getting there; well into the yearly floor refinishing at the church; much recollecting about life and relationships and the richness I have within them all.

Family time at home was good, bad and just plain bonkers. Things change, but when you don't even know the how's, when's and why's of the changes that affect you and have no way to get to the bottom of them, then I surmise you're just plain out of luck. I don't know how to even be thankful at times for the impermanence of things in life I'd really like to be able to count on.

'Twas quite the birthday this year for this ol' codger- especially being able to share it with my people, since it fell on our gathering day.

They hit me up right too....pecan pies, roasts, biskits, korn, mooshed taters and various other sundries and delights. The Birchfield boys and girl utterly SURPRISED me with a wetsuit, enabling me now to push the river entrance to Wells Cave in Kaintuckee. I am modeling for you (and the Dana Community) in all my XXL glory below.

The best part was the kind and encouraging words and stories each of them shared with me....ways that I had impacted them, things I had said, done or even not done that built into their lives. It was a truly rich time and fed some starving places in my soul, especially in light of the history with some of these people for about seven years now. They spoke of Kingdom things, the sort of stuff over which I have really had no control, except in terms of making myself available, both to God and to these people I love and serve.

A big, fat mea culpa for the sedentary blog of late. There are bunches of things to do that are finding me not minding this discipline. My laziness, therein, is shameful, especially to those of you who had been checking in and out only to find the same collection of pixels. It would have been better if I had prefaced it with an "I'm-taking-a-break-from-blogging" caveat, but even in that, I'm not even sophisticated enough (which is still something maybe on the horizon). In fact, the more I think on it, the more I feel inclined to revamp this whole, whoa-whoah, sweet blog- o'mine, from the ground on up.

Trips a-plenty on the horizon too. After having been in Hotlanta (home of the Braves) and Orlando in October, I'll be in Dallas at the end of January; in the Dakotas to share with the Dakota Baptist Convention about our experiences in ministry amongst students here in Oxford in January or February and Salt Lake City in April to finish out our lay church planting task force gatherings.

So as things brew, and as I plod onward in search of a greater depth and discipline, I will continue on with things here.

Of House Guests and Lawn Moles...

Jen Leonard was with us at Dana Drive this weekend. In March, I was blown away by her story when she arose to speak at Palmer's memorial service. Hers is one that prods me to think about what it is that I have really sacrificed on this journey in our corner of the Kingdom here. I am moved to the conclusion that the only satisfactory answer to that was/is, not much. Or, at least, not enough.

Her story and the questions she is currently posing in regards to this way of life are resonating with me and Cathy, especially the "all or nothing" issue. For us, I think our path to this point has been inconsistently puctuated with only fleeting instances being completely "sold out," or, being "all in" (choose your analogous phrase here).

But I think there is worth in the tension of "not knowing." The core values of the Kingdom are at once tenously thin as spider webs in my white-knuckled grip as they are urging me deeper with a contingent fervor from beyond that Veil. The Father can be found in the not knowing of what's next, what I'll look like, how I'll be and what I'll do. He is just as much the God of my dim, dullness as he is of my (scarce) moments of X-ray clarity, is he not?

Im tired of complaining about what isn't right with my commitment level and others' for that matter. I'm tired of being disgusted with things and not doing something about it. I'm tired of pettiness in myself and others. I'm tired of a lifestyle of laxity and coziness with the way things "are." But it is me that's the problem- I'm the limitation. I can't be preoccupied with my observational discontent when I'm too sessile of a Kingdom co-laborer. I've got to lead by stepping out and risking something greater, something bolder.

I stand firm with the knowledge that I want to be with the people I am journeying with and the foundational, common denominator is living and loving in simple communities. From that, there is no retreat. But noticeably absent is the level of missional-mindedness that we find ourselves in. You know- the kind infused with passion, dreaming and Kingdom-originated envisioning. On the other hand, it might not be that there's such an absence of that mind. The challenge of connecting it to heart and behavior is more appropriate.

And I don't think that I'm brandishing a legalistic hot-iron here and I'm certainly not about imposing my perspective on others either. It's been months (years) in the making, but this is just a slice in my current stage of life and if I am game for it, there are widespread and wholesale implications for life and ministry. I am tilling this garden of transformation as feverishly as I've been hunting that dreaded, little lawn mole that's expertly converting my back yard to a tunneled spongework. Just today I was reminded of how both excursions are messy, dirty, lead in circles and sometimes involve getting a little doo on your shoe when you aren't watching where you walk.